Well as I watch you playing tomorrow you are 7 months old and 15 months ago we found out the news that would turn my life upside down – that you were there inside me. An insane concept for someone told they would never have a child.
You have totally changed my world in those 15 months so I feel its right we start this journey with me telling you who I was before I became Mum.
I was, and I guess still am a ‘Type A’ person – ambitious, driven and always on the go. My life was, I felt, full of love, little did I know. It revolved around my four legged child, a horse called Boo, who I loved with my whole heart and spent all my free time with her. I loved my job and worked hard looking after my work ‘boys’, I joked I was their Mum – I didn’t know how I undervalued that word then.
Your Dad and I met at university, it was not a hollywood romance but once born out of adversity and a strong friendship. He was always the best of me and I the best of him. We married two years ago, a day full of love, laughter and dancing. You would have enjoyed it, your cousins were there and the stars of the show. You weren’t even a twinkle, we didn’t know you could be. We moved ‘up North’ and settled down to make a home. We thought our lives were complete.
I competed B, worked hard, saw friends and drove miles and miles every weekend keeping myself busy. We didn’t know anything was missing. I got a new job, my career in projects was blossoming. Dad got a job programming. We’d done it, we were grown ups.
We didn’t own a TV, spent evenings talking, playing scrabble and putting the world to rights. I didn’t just read, I devoured books, I loved to spend Sunday night soaking in a boiling hot bath devouring the latest Pratchitt, McEwan, Faulks or Mantel novel. Writers who will be old to you now, who may not even mean anything to you. Sir Terry died today – you will grow up in a world where he has written his last novel.
So a bit of history on your old mum. I am dyslexic and school was beyond tough. I was bullied – it made me into the person I am. Until I met your Dad I always preferred animals to people, and until I met you I was terrified of small people. I have a complicated relationship with your Grandma and always tried so hard to achieve. To prove people wrong I did English, Philosophy and History A levels and after failing my first year (two F’s and a U) I walked away with 2 A’s and a B. That I feel the need to tell you this probably tells you more about me than it should. I did English at University – a glutton for punishment, though my heart really wanted to be a vet.
I’ve ridden since I was 4 and horses are a huge part of my soul. There was a pony called R who I lost many years before you were born and his hoofprints are all over my soul. You have seen his pictures – he is the grey cheeky pony – and he will be watching over you, sad that he will not be your first pony – he would have loved you as much as I do. We fought for 2 years to save his life, we couldn’t – one day I and he had to do something that didn’t come easily to either of us – admit defeat and on a sunny October day I kissed his velvet nose and he went to sleep to wait over rainbow bridge for us.
B brought me so much joy, I never thought I could find. She was the perfect horse, we always brought home a ribbon, riding her was like dancing. I hope you get to experience that one day. She was a different animal altogether – quiet where R was a bull in a china shop, sensitive where R was cheeky, reservered where R loved openly and everyone in reach. They both made your Mum who she is today and I hope that they are part of your memories.
Other significant people before you came along are your Uncle R – he’s been your Mum’s best friend since she was 5, your Aunty A – she is and always will be your Mum’s more sensible side – their friendships are solid rocks in this stormy world and I hope that you find such loyal and steadfast friends. They will always be there for you E, if I can’t or Dad is being Dad – they will love you always and look after you. Just be careful of Uncle R’s advice on women – he is… well you know what he is like.
After Uni I went through a series of jobs until I found out organising and looking after other people was what I was good at and a career in project management blossomed. I loved it. I was going to break all the glass ceilings in IT project management. I was, as always going to prove them all wrong.
Then in January 2014 we found out the strangest news. You were coming to join us. Life has never metaphorically or literally been the same since. We now live in a technology age and I would love to write to you sometimes so you understand this journey we have begun together, you as a son and me as a mum.
So now you know a little about me, lets move onto the next stage – what happened when I saw that positive test result.