It’s 6.30pm, it’s at least half an hour until reinforcements in the form of Laurence arrive, I am at the end of my tether. I’m tired, sore and the babies are screaming.
It’s 6.30am, I’ve been awake two hours, I just want to put the baby down and get dressed. I’m dripping from my interrupted bath. I’ve had an hours sleep since 2am.
In between I’ve felt every emotion of motherhood available. I’ve sworn under my breath and I’ve marvelled at their beauty. I love them, I am in awe of them, I am touched out and tired. I wonder if I’m cut out for this as I try to bath them both alone as they are desperate for bed and covered in dinner. Beatrix screams as I dress Edward. Edward cries as she touches his train book. Frustration mounts. Tears form.
I bundle them into my bed, boob for one, bottle the other. Peace. Calm. Rhythmic breathing and soft snuffles. Love.
Beatrix wakes frequently to feed. I eat dinner whilst she nuzzle’s. I wonder when, if ever, my evening will be mine again. Frustration, arms aching. Rhythmic breathing. Love.
Edward wakes from a nightmare screaming my name. Mummy comes the cry, mummy, mummy. Tired, aching, I gently delatch Beatrix and slide from bed praying. Rhythmic breathing. Sleep baby girl.
Snuggles, cuddles, song and soothing. Ease those night fears my baby boy. Screams turn to Sobs turn to gulps turn to Rhythmic breathing. Love.
Gently, so gently. Into bed my boy. ‘Mouse’ you whisper as I tuck her under your sleep heavy arm. Rhythmic breathing continues. Sleep.
I sneak downstairs. Washing on, dishwasher loaded. I grab a drink and sneak back into bed. Beatrix wakes, routing for milk. Soft snuffles on my cold tired skin. Draw her in. Breathe her in.
They are sleeping. So is the cat. My mind races with thoughts of the day past, the day to come. I drift. I feed. I drift.
4.30am Edward shouts. I wait breath held. He returns to dreams unknown. I slowly steal from my comfortable bed. So much to do in these wee small hours whilst babies breathe slowly and softly in sleep. Some precious minutes to myself.
It’s 7.30am. Beatrix lies in my arms. Rhythmic breathing. Love. Edward is stirring. His morning bable begins. Another day starts. I pray today I am better. Today I am a good enough mum. To keep my breath even and my love strong.