Parenting in pain

I hurt. Right now every part of my body from my chin to my mid thigh. If I were a horse they would shoot me. I’m lame, I limp, I’m broken.

My left hip has always hurt.  Over the years injuries and my limp causing referred pain. Pregnancy wrecked my hips further. Motherhood has strained my body to it limits. So I hurt.

During the night feeds. Trying to get comfortable whilst bed sharing. Carrying two babies up and down stairs. Being a human climbing frame. Sitting on the floor to play.  Bending, lifting, carrying. It all hurts.

The pain makes me a bad mum. I get short tempered. I get tired. I often just want to be still, to try and get comfortable. Taking pain relief I’d a constant battle with my guilt as Beatrix gets exposed through my milk. So I try to avoid the painkillers and their side effects.  But it’s hard. I hurt, a dull constant ache. Occasionally sharp stabbing pains.

It’s hard. It’s only going to get harder now Beatrix is on the move. There are years of lifting, bending and carrying ahead of me. I worry how my hips will cope. I worry how long I can walk for. I worry how long I can carry two children up the very steep stairs in our house.

I keep going though. I try to do as the Dr told me and exercise more to try and lose weight. I take the children out. I smile. It’s a struggle though. I sigh. I am snappy and I am sorry. Everything hurts you see and that’s exhausting on its own, let alone when you are a toddler climbing frame.

I had injections into my hips. They didn’t help. I try to do stretches but I struggle to find the time. I make excuses because I don’t want to do all the right things and much hips still hurt. To know this is the beginning of the end of them working. I dream of riding again, though right now just sitting in less pain would be great.

So sorry if I’m snappy. I apologise to my children for not being the mum I want to be. I will try harder and push deeper to go through the discomfort and pain. Please, and it’s a big ask, bear with me if I seem short, tired and snappy some days all my energy is in just keeping walking through the pain.

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